Islam Sucks…

by Michael Ryan

…(Actually All Religion’s Suck)

“Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.” – Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary.

My OCD really kicked up yesterday around noon after 3 shots of espresso, so I thought I might learn all about Islam seeing that the known world is now fixated on that Religion. Also, I felt I should be able to come up with an informed opinion about this very popular Religious Philosophical System if I just spent a little time on research.

I was up ‘till 5:00am this morning, combing the desert…AKA the Internet… reading parts of the Koran, the Hadiths, the Sunnahs…studying the life and times of that “wild and crazy guy” Muhammad. I studied the meaning of words like Shura and Sharia…learned the differences between the Shia, the Sunni and their many sub-sects like Salifism and the Ahmadiyya Muslim Jamaat…(spent quite a bit of time researching the latter which is not even considered a part of Islam by the other guys…the Sunni and Shia.)

I spent a really big chunk of this “orgy of learning” trying to figure out just what the hell “Jihad” means today, (what it meant yesterday), and what the mind numbingly varied “schools” of Islam had to say about it.

I read stuff from all sorts of sources… from the opinions of the Infidel detractors…like Robert Spencer… to the blessed and enlightened writings of the various Imams, Mullahs, and Ayatollahs. I found myself at times directed to web sites I would have never, in a million years, looked at. I found myself at sites propounding everything from what we in the West would call liberal Islam or secular Islam, to the far right extremist Islamic radical sites. I diligently followed every link to every other site that had to do with my research into the secrets of Islam. I sucked down huge quantities of coffee, smoked a pack of Pall Malls, (actually took a break to watch the unedited roast of “Flavor Flav”) and ultimately compiled a huge list of references…And quite frankly, all the while maintaining a “researcher’s objectivity.”

Here is my opinion after all that objective research: ISLAM SUCKS!!!

Now before I get into “defending” my opinion about Islam, I must say that I think ALL RELIGIONS SUCK! Verily Amen…My opinion about the suckiness of Religions in general came from almost 40 years of research and experience from my early indoctrination into the Catholic miasm to psychedelic forays into “Eastern Mysticism.” Plus…I’ve read it all Brutha… the Rig Veda, the Upanishads, various Apocryphal-non-Canonical Text from both the Jews and the Christians… the Zohar, the Bible, again various versions including the Vulgate. And from the more ’secular’ arena : Plato, Aristotle-( Da Man), Pythagoras… St. Augustine, St. Thomas, Erasmus…Locke, Berkeley, Hume…Kant-(Stands alone he does)…Schopenhauer, Nietzsche, Wittgenstein….Mills, Bentham, Hobbes…Rousseau-(Stands alone he does)…Peirce, James, de Saussure…Even read the newer guys like Nozick, Rawls and Baudrillard…After gorging myself on all these deep enlightened attempts to answer the simple question “what the *bleep* are we doing here” and “who has the best shot at the ‘right’ answer,” I came to the conclusion that…HERE IT GOES: EVERYONE IS PROBABLY WRONG!

Back to Islam. First of all let me just say that my first impression was that the Muslims have more divisions than a 7 level complex fraction. (If you took some Math in College, you may know what I’m referring to). In other words, there are SERIOUS DIVISIONS within Islam…mucho mucho mas than even the other “Great Religions.”

I mean we’re not talking about relative differences of minutia regarding principles of a religious philosophical system… like the Christians who battle over questions like whether once one is saved one is always saved, or that works alone guarantee passage to heaven, or even in all fairness, we could talk about the early Christian heresies where the divinity and co-substantial nature of Christ came into question…We are talking about deep divisions inherent in the very foundations of Islam…Foundations which are ultimately unstable because, well let’s just say they were built on sand.

First of all these guys cannot agree on who best represents or whose lineage best represents the tenets or deeds or spoken words of the Prophet Mohammed.

This first schism gave rise to the difference between Sunni and Shia Muslims. Secondly as with any so-called divinely inspired written text of religion, nobody can agree upon what the Koran actually says. There are literally close to a dozen different interpretations by various writers and experts on sharia and especially hadith. And like the Bible, the Koran is riddled with outright contradiction.

Don’t believe me. Read it!

Although I will admit that Robert Spencer directed me to check out certain surahs within the Koran that illustrated these blatant mutual contradictions, I went ahead and actually read these, (and other) passages carefully for myself…in context… which is to say I read quite a bit before and quite a bit after Spencer’s examples. I was not surprised to find, that like the Bible, ( and yet unlike the Bible, much easier to see), that this so-called divinely inspired piece of nonsense looked like a moth eaten old burga.

You might think I’m full of shite, but let me remind you… not unlike any other Prophet, I often drink mass quantities of alcohol and take mind altering drugs in order to corral my obsession with a genuine effort to figure out what the *bleep* we humans are all about…And not unlike any other “Prophet”…especially those with seizure disorders…I have been struck with profound, life changing revelations. (Like that time when I ate a handful of mushrooms in 1976 and watched a Balinese Shadow Play on PBS-TV)… WOW…That did it for me…I just knew that I was a mere puppet without the power to control my destiny…I just knew that the “prophets” were actually other OCD fanatics that spent their entire lives creating excuses, apologia, and other myriad game plans that were designed to convince the masses that they had the answers to all the great questions that anyone would ask while trying to comprehend the incomprehensible…

…You know, Questions like:

· Was Lilith really Adam’s first ‘wife’…why was the relationship doomed from the start?

· Did Osiris really manage to rise from the dead after being “julienned” by his Wife Isis?

· Did Noah steal Gilgamesh’s plan for an ark? And what about the Patent infringement remedies if he did?

· Is it true that the cockroach I just stepped on may have been a great interpreter of hadith?

· Could Satan be Jesus’ bastard half brother…?

· Is it true that Angels screwed humans and created a race of Giants as told in Genesis…also called Titans in the Greek Mythos?

· Can I truly “do”my sister, kill my brother and my son and still get into Heaven if I just pay the Indulgence?

· Jesus, contrary to mainstream Islamic belief, was crucified and survived the four hours on the cross. He was later revived from a swoon in the tomb?

· That Jesus died in Kashmir of old age whilst seeking the Lost Tribes of Israel?

· That Jesus’ remains are believed to be entombed in Kashmir under the name Yuz Asaf?

· That the Elohim are really a race of Hermaphrodites of which God is a dues paying member?

· Is it true that the prophecy of the second coming was fulfilled in the person of Mirza Ghulam Ahmad?

· Isn’t it true that if I think enough about not thinking, I will reach Nirvana?

· If I am able to play with venomous snakes…and not be killed while jabbering incomprehensibly, will I please God?

And Finally…

· If Muhammad… a protein deficient, disease ridden epileptic desert idiot…indeed created a redacted, exegetic spoken word piece of nonsense, stolen from other redacted, exegetic nonsense pieces of fiction… will history be able to explain to the world why his followers must destroy or convert all those that will not agree with him…and that while other idiots, (read “Islamic Scholars”), write “scholarly” apologetics that vindicate and indeed define the meaning of a narrow minded primitive so-called holy text that calls for, in the least, complete subjugation and in the extreme outright murder of anyone that does not follow the delusions of an obviously abused half wit Jesus Wannabe…the rest of the Infidel world is merely trying to garner what’s left of the world’s oil reserves.

Yes, I know…a little strong with the invectives… but let’s face it, we are talking about a potentially world shattering revival of Jihad that threatens the entire known world much like it did in the few hundred years following Mohammed’s death in 631 CE. The only difference… truly verily amen…bismillah.. is that the real reason(s) behind this Muslim vs everyone else jihad is:

the “man-in-the-street” Muslim is pissed that most Oil Revenues are going to the upper class and they are left with sand soaked, wind shredded Ideas “borrowed” from other Religion’s.

I’ll have to leave off now with this Rant against Islam in particular and Religion in general…It’s Prayer time and I’ve got to get my stuff together…Lemme see if I’ve everything I might need:

…beads,bells,incense,icons,figurines,crucifixes,cup,flat bread,chicken bones,gongs,candles,knife,goat,instruction books,snakes,feathers,stones,peyote,psilocybin,frogs,soma,robes,magic rug,beanie,skull cap…

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